Blue Like Jazz The Movie Trailer
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Man vs Nature
I love this stanza from canto four of Byron's Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, which many may remember from the movie Into The Wild, which I adore, but it often worries me how much this quote describes who I am. I mean, we all remember how the movie ends, right?
But I can't help it. Each mile driven really does lessen the weight in my chest (Donald Miller). And I'm never happier than when in Nature. But there's a time and place right?
Yeah, walking through the garden with God having long talks with Him was a slice of heaven for Adam, but at the end of the day, he was still lonely. Even in paradise.
I just really wish I could look deep enough into myself to know if I love the solitude in nature a bit too much. But even if I found out I did, what would I actually do about it?
These thoughts worry me often. Nonetheless, this stanza is beautiful, and seemingly perfect. Enjoy! In the correct proportions of course. We are indeed relational beings. Maybe I just need to find a helpmate to enjoy nature with...that would be nice.
There is pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more,
From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.
LORD BYRON, Childe Harold
But I can't help it. Each mile driven really does lessen the weight in my chest (Donald Miller). And I'm never happier than when in Nature. But there's a time and place right?
Yeah, walking through the garden with God having long talks with Him was a slice of heaven for Adam, but at the end of the day, he was still lonely. Even in paradise.
I just really wish I could look deep enough into myself to know if I love the solitude in nature a bit too much. But even if I found out I did, what would I actually do about it?
These thoughts worry me often. Nonetheless, this stanza is beautiful, and seemingly perfect. Enjoy! In the correct proportions of course. We are indeed relational beings. Maybe I just need to find a helpmate to enjoy nature with...that would be nice.
There is pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more,
From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.
LORD BYRON, Childe Harold
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
True Love: Why Marriage Will Be The Death of You
This is from Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, except he has it being said by a man to his wife as he whispers some lines to her while she is sleeping. It's from chapter 13: Romance (Meeting Girls Is Easy).
Despite his humor, especially the humor in his chapter titles, this is the chapter I reread most often. I've probably read it at least 50 times--no exaggeration.
In this chapter, the lines the husband is whispering to his wife while kneeling at her bedside, are from a play he was writing called Polaroids, about a couple losing their child and whether or not that horrible loss would break them up.
The husbands lines are the most beautiful, honest words that I've found, ever, on marriage, specifically a Christian one. It shares what we do wrong in marriage and what we should be doing instead.
The dialogue feels like poetry, that has an older style wisdom and yet captures how we feel now, and what we still try to make marriage into: something that it's not and never should be.
But for this instance tonight I am going to be the husband, and I'm going to whisper some lines, the last few lines, of the speech, to God, to Christ, in a prayer, and I ask you all to join me if you will.
From the bride to her Bridegroom:
Dear God,
"I will stop expecting Your love, demanding Your love, trading for Your love, gaming for Your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to You, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this alter of dying and dying again."
Love,
Zoe
Amen (So be it, truly)
And we are dying to self by the way, and the ways of the world: what the world tells us love and marriage are. Because we are Not Of This World (John 17:16) and thus we should love not as the world does, but as God and Christ do: Unconditionally.
Despite his humor, especially the humor in his chapter titles, this is the chapter I reread most often. I've probably read it at least 50 times--no exaggeration.
In this chapter, the lines the husband is whispering to his wife while kneeling at her bedside, are from a play he was writing called Polaroids, about a couple losing their child and whether or not that horrible loss would break them up.
The husbands lines are the most beautiful, honest words that I've found, ever, on marriage, specifically a Christian one. It shares what we do wrong in marriage and what we should be doing instead.
The dialogue feels like poetry, that has an older style wisdom and yet captures how we feel now, and what we still try to make marriage into: something that it's not and never should be.
But for this instance tonight I am going to be the husband, and I'm going to whisper some lines, the last few lines, of the speech, to God, to Christ, in a prayer, and I ask you all to join me if you will.
From the bride to her Bridegroom:
Dear God,
"I will stop expecting Your love, demanding Your love, trading for Your love, gaming for Your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to You, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this alter of dying and dying again."
Love,
Zoe
Amen (So be it, truly)
And we are dying to self by the way, and the ways of the world: what the world tells us love and marriage are. Because we are Not Of This World (John 17:16) and thus we should love not as the world does, but as God and Christ do: Unconditionally.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
What Is Christmas?
“What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace.” - Agnes M. Pahro
May we celebrate Christ’s birth not just today, but all year long. May we know that we are loved. May we feel His presence in our lives, in our stories. May we know how blessed we are to be characters in each other’s stories, and to be in His.
There is no greater joy than celebrating Jesus. May the miracle of CHRISTmas bless our hearts with God’s unending and unconditional love!
Love, Zoe
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
“I Celebrate The Day” by Relient K
And with this Christmas wish is missed / The point I could convey / If only I could find the words to say / To let You know how much You’ve touched my life / Because here is where You’re finding me / In the exact same place as New Year’s Eve / And from a lack of my persistency / We’re less than half as close as I want to be
And the first time that You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior? And the first breath that left Your lips, did You know that it would change this world forever?
And so this Christmas I’ll compare the things I felt in prior years / To what this midnight made so clear, that You have come to meet me here
To look back and think that / This baby would one day save me / In the hope that what You did / That You were born so I might really live / To look back and think that / This baby would one day save me
And I, I celebrate the day / That You were born to die / So I could one day pray for You to save my life / Pray for You to save my life / Pray for You to save my life
I love you all, and I wish you a beautiful and loving Merry Christmas filled with God’s gifts of Love, Joy, Peace, Faith, and Hope. God’s blessings to everyone!
Love, Zoe
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
A TWLOHA Unhaunting
TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms) is a non profit dedicated to helping people who struggle with things like depression, suicide, cutting, eating disorders, hair pulling, skin picking, drug and alcohol abuse, and much more.
They aren't afraid of discussing the issues we normally hide from each other in society. They are dedicated to helping any and everyone.
Please click on the link after the tweet below and read a powerful, truthful, and beautiful entry from founder Jaimie Tworkowski. Thank you.
And try to never be afraid of these issues. Neither you or anyone else is crazy for dealing with these issues, and neither you nor anyone else is any less of a Christian just because you are struggling with an issue society normally would rather not talk about. That especially the Christian society would rather not make public.
God, Christ, TWLOHA and I love you and are here for you. We are not, repeat not, afraid of or stunned by your pain. We understand how real your pain is. You are not alone. All we want is to help, in whatever way we can. Much love to you all. Always. No matter what.
TWLOHA (@TWLOHA)
11/1/11 4:00 PM
"Maybe we begin to help our friends become unhaunted when we let them know we're not afraid of their pain."
Copy Link And Paste It In Your Browser Please or go to www.twloha.com Thanks.
http://www.twloha.com/blog/telling-ghosts-to-go
They aren't afraid of discussing the issues we normally hide from each other in society. They are dedicated to helping any and everyone.
Please click on the link after the tweet below and read a powerful, truthful, and beautiful entry from founder Jaimie Tworkowski. Thank you.
And try to never be afraid of these issues. Neither you or anyone else is crazy for dealing with these issues, and neither you nor anyone else is any less of a Christian just because you are struggling with an issue society normally would rather not talk about. That especially the Christian society would rather not make public.
God, Christ, TWLOHA and I love you and are here for you. We are not, repeat not, afraid of or stunned by your pain. We understand how real your pain is. You are not alone. All we want is to help, in whatever way we can. Much love to you all. Always. No matter what.
TWLOHA (@TWLOHA)
11/1/11 4:00 PM
"Maybe we begin to help our friends become unhaunted when we let them know we're not afraid of their pain."
Copy Link And Paste It In Your Browser Please or go to www.twloha.com Thanks.
http://www.twloha.com/blog/telling-ghosts-to-go
Monday, October 31, 2011
The Third Option
"Either God isn't personal and I've wasted my time, or he is personal and he hates me."
"There's a third option," Rudy suggested. "God loves you, but crappy things still happen."
- From Angry Conversations With God by Susan Isaacs
"There's a third option," Rudy suggested. "God loves you, but crappy things still happen."
- From Angry Conversations With God by Susan Isaacs
God's Silence
This entry is for all of us. We've all had those times when God FEELS far away. And completely silent. Here are some thoughts on that.
"So what if my lifelong dream and my relationship tanked? These were nothing but middle-class white girl's tragedies. But I was a middle-class white girl, with middle-class white girl's faith. In fact, my middle-class white girl's tragedies ceased to be the tragedy at all: the tragedy was God's response--total silence. I couldn't hear God or see God or sense God anywhere or in anything. Some people call this the Dark Night of the Soul. It was dark, all right. And silent. And I was alone."
- Susan Isaacs
But that's the way it is isn't it? I mean, think about it:
Job loses everything and what does God do or say? Nothing. For 37 chapters it's nothing but rambling and complaining and humans thinking they know what's going on and why this happened to Job. And God just listens to it!
Job has his ideas. His friends have theirs. His wife has hers. [None of which are right. None of which are God's Truth.] And God? God is silent.
Do you know what I'm talking about? If you don't, I'm pretty sure you repressed it or are lying to yourself and to us and to God.
Here's the thing though. I'm thinking that so called "dark silent time" is partially if not completely for two reasons.
The first being if we don't get all those emotions out while they are freshly thrust inside of us, they will only grow quickly in resentment, hatred and over-emotionalism, only damaging our relationship with God and Christ more.
Secondly, it is just as Rick Warren says in Purpose Driven Life: Life is a test and a trust. God wants to see how we will react to such tragedies. If we react wrong, He knows what work needs to be done still. If we react as correctly as any stereotypical self-serving human could, then He knows we can handle even more the next time.
"Tribulations cannot cease until God either sees us remade or sees that our remaking is now hopeless."
- C. S. Lewis
And the thing of the matter is...is that WE are the ones with work to do when tragedy strikes, not God. Because honestly, what more could He really do for us compared to all He has done and is doing already? To ask for more is to say what He is doing isn't perfect enough. But He is perfect.
The problem isn't God. The problem is we are spoiled. And the problem that's even bigger than that, is that God is not in the business of creating spoiled children.
But its just so frustrating, isn't it? Because right there, in that moment, in the bottom of the chasm of the blackest of holes, we aren't capable of doing anything! Anything but complaining, and whining, and crying, and questioning God, when we should be questioning ourselves.
Ok, look. I know you think I'm crazy, because we all know writing about what we should do and actually doing it couldn't be farther from being the same thing. But...
But I have been there...
I was there two days ago. And tonight I'm back where God wants me to be. Well, I'm at least closer to where He wants me to be than I was two days ago.
You CAN do this. Get through God's silence. And don't ever think you are the only one who feels this way. Because I promise you you aren't. It's just that admitting God feels far away is embarrassing. We think it makes us weak Christians. It doesn't! Being thrust into tribulation doesn't and will never make you a weak Christian: It's what MAKES you Christian! And how we respond to trials and tribulations is what defines us. It's what gives our spark of God--our soul--an identity (John Keats). An identity set apart.
So if you are drowning in tragedy today, tomorrow, or anytime in the future, and you FEEL like you cant find, see, or hear God, remember...remember this blog post. Remember that while Job was sitting by a fire mourning the loss of everything he had, while still picking the scabs from his wounds, he responded to the whirlwind God spoke through by saying, "All this is too wonderful for me!"
And you may not be able to do that right away, but neither was Job, and he was "a righteous man" in God's eyes. And remember that God gave them, Job and his wife and friends, up until and through the 37th chapter to rant, vent, complain, and to try to figure out why.
Only God knows how long your 37 chapters will be, but be patient. If He thinks you need 37 chapters to get all of "it" out of you before you can listen to Him, then there's a reason for that. Use those 37 chapters as wisely as you can.
Because "the answer to this pain, or the cure for this pain, is not given in explanation; rather, God offers to this pain, or this life experience, Himself. Not steps, not an understanding, not a philosophy, but Himself. I take this to mean the first thing God wanted to communicate to humanity was that He was God, He was very large and in control, storing snow in Kansas, stopping waves at a certain point on the beach, causing clouds to carry rain, causing wind to race down imaginary hills of barometric pressure, and that if he could do all this, then he could be trusted, and that, perhaps, this would help us through our lives. And so from the beginning, from the very first story told in Scripture, God presents life, as it is, without escape, with only Himself to cling to."
- Donald Miller, Searching For God Knows What
So what if you aren't ready right away. That's what those 37 chapters are for.
Well, You don't think you will be or are ready. At least not quite yet...
You know, there is this vista in Northern California that I cherish. At over 6,000 feet, if cars aren't speeding by, and if no one else has stopped there, there is absolutely nothing but the purest of silence.
And this silence, while staring out at all God's created just to dazzle us, its sometimes so loud it's almost deafening.
You can feel its weight on your skin.
You can breathe it in.
It's thick.
It's clean.
It's awe inspiring.
And That, my friends, IS God!
"So what if my lifelong dream and my relationship tanked? These were nothing but middle-class white girl's tragedies. But I was a middle-class white girl, with middle-class white girl's faith. In fact, my middle-class white girl's tragedies ceased to be the tragedy at all: the tragedy was God's response--total silence. I couldn't hear God or see God or sense God anywhere or in anything. Some people call this the Dark Night of the Soul. It was dark, all right. And silent. And I was alone."
- Susan Isaacs
But that's the way it is isn't it? I mean, think about it:
Job loses everything and what does God do or say? Nothing. For 37 chapters it's nothing but rambling and complaining and humans thinking they know what's going on and why this happened to Job. And God just listens to it!
Job has his ideas. His friends have theirs. His wife has hers. [None of which are right. None of which are God's Truth.] And God? God is silent.
Do you know what I'm talking about? If you don't, I'm pretty sure you repressed it or are lying to yourself and to us and to God.
Here's the thing though. I'm thinking that so called "dark silent time" is partially if not completely for two reasons.
The first being if we don't get all those emotions out while they are freshly thrust inside of us, they will only grow quickly in resentment, hatred and over-emotionalism, only damaging our relationship with God and Christ more.
Secondly, it is just as Rick Warren says in Purpose Driven Life: Life is a test and a trust. God wants to see how we will react to such tragedies. If we react wrong, He knows what work needs to be done still. If we react as correctly as any stereotypical self-serving human could, then He knows we can handle even more the next time.
"Tribulations cannot cease until God either sees us remade or sees that our remaking is now hopeless."
- C. S. Lewis
And the thing of the matter is...is that WE are the ones with work to do when tragedy strikes, not God. Because honestly, what more could He really do for us compared to all He has done and is doing already? To ask for more is to say what He is doing isn't perfect enough. But He is perfect.
The problem isn't God. The problem is we are spoiled. And the problem that's even bigger than that, is that God is not in the business of creating spoiled children.
But its just so frustrating, isn't it? Because right there, in that moment, in the bottom of the chasm of the blackest of holes, we aren't capable of doing anything! Anything but complaining, and whining, and crying, and questioning God, when we should be questioning ourselves.
Ok, look. I know you think I'm crazy, because we all know writing about what we should do and actually doing it couldn't be farther from being the same thing. But...
But I have been there...
I was there two days ago. And tonight I'm back where God wants me to be. Well, I'm at least closer to where He wants me to be than I was two days ago.
You CAN do this. Get through God's silence. And don't ever think you are the only one who feels this way. Because I promise you you aren't. It's just that admitting God feels far away is embarrassing. We think it makes us weak Christians. It doesn't! Being thrust into tribulation doesn't and will never make you a weak Christian: It's what MAKES you Christian! And how we respond to trials and tribulations is what defines us. It's what gives our spark of God--our soul--an identity (John Keats). An identity set apart.
So if you are drowning in tragedy today, tomorrow, or anytime in the future, and you FEEL like you cant find, see, or hear God, remember...remember this blog post. Remember that while Job was sitting by a fire mourning the loss of everything he had, while still picking the scabs from his wounds, he responded to the whirlwind God spoke through by saying, "All this is too wonderful for me!"
And you may not be able to do that right away, but neither was Job, and he was "a righteous man" in God's eyes. And remember that God gave them, Job and his wife and friends, up until and through the 37th chapter to rant, vent, complain, and to try to figure out why.
Only God knows how long your 37 chapters will be, but be patient. If He thinks you need 37 chapters to get all of "it" out of you before you can listen to Him, then there's a reason for that. Use those 37 chapters as wisely as you can.
Because "the answer to this pain, or the cure for this pain, is not given in explanation; rather, God offers to this pain, or this life experience, Himself. Not steps, not an understanding, not a philosophy, but Himself. I take this to mean the first thing God wanted to communicate to humanity was that He was God, He was very large and in control, storing snow in Kansas, stopping waves at a certain point on the beach, causing clouds to carry rain, causing wind to race down imaginary hills of barometric pressure, and that if he could do all this, then he could be trusted, and that, perhaps, this would help us through our lives. And so from the beginning, from the very first story told in Scripture, God presents life, as it is, without escape, with only Himself to cling to."
- Donald Miller, Searching For God Knows What
So what if you aren't ready right away. That's what those 37 chapters are for.
Well, You don't think you will be or are ready. At least not quite yet...
You know, there is this vista in Northern California that I cherish. At over 6,000 feet, if cars aren't speeding by, and if no one else has stopped there, there is absolutely nothing but the purest of silence.
And this silence, while staring out at all God's created just to dazzle us, its sometimes so loud it's almost deafening.
You can feel its weight on your skin.
You can breathe it in.
It's thick.
It's clean.
It's awe inspiring.
And That, my friends, IS God!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Hope
TWLOHA (@TWLOHA) Tweet
10/30/11 7:15 AM
"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible."
- Charles Caleb Colton
10/30/11 7:15 AM
"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible."
- Charles Caleb Colton
A Longer Lasting Wholeness
“You extended the time he might live in the body until You should give him a greater and longer lasting wholeness.”
- St. Augustine
I approached the abyss seven years ago. And I bargained with God in the beginning. But seven years ago today is when a shady peace entered my hospital room. And it was that fog of death that led me to give up. To give in.
My body was in a living hell and all I longed for was heaven. But You, oh Lord, knew. You knew I couldn't go to heaven in the state I was in. No, You were planning a longer lasting wholeness for me God...
Thank you will never be enough. Mere words mean nothing if I don't live a life that shows You and everyone else how grateful I am.
I have no reason to wallow or hide or play hermit on this seven year anniversary. I can and should only be eternally grateful. Eternally filled with thanks and joy. Eternally in awe of Your story telling. How blessed are we to be a character in Your story!?
- St. Augustine
I approached the abyss seven years ago. And I bargained with God in the beginning. But seven years ago today is when a shady peace entered my hospital room. And it was that fog of death that led me to give up. To give in.
My body was in a living hell and all I longed for was heaven. But You, oh Lord, knew. You knew I couldn't go to heaven in the state I was in. No, You were planning a longer lasting wholeness for me God...
Thank you will never be enough. Mere words mean nothing if I don't live a life that shows You and everyone else how grateful I am.
I have no reason to wallow or hide or play hermit on this seven year anniversary. I can and should only be eternally grateful. Eternally filled with thanks and joy. Eternally in awe of Your story telling. How blessed are we to be a character in Your story!?
How Well You Know Me Augustine
“Is it any wonder that this straying, hapless sheep, who was dissatisfied with Your shepherding, was infected with a foul disease? [His was of the heart, but nonetheless, I guess mine was of the heart too. In addition to the physical disease.] … Since I had forsaken You, You allowed me to approach the treacherous edge of the abyss… how I loved mine own ways and not Yours.”
- St. Augustine
- St. Augustine
How I Feel RIGHT Now Looking Back 7 Years
“Narrow is the mansion of my soul. Enlarge it so that You can enter. It lies in ruins. Repair it.”
-St. Augustine
-St. Augustine
The Problem With Life
"Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you’re going to live in it creating the illusion that you have power over people and circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it, and find out the truth about who you are."
-Anne Lamott
-Anne Lamott
And Yet...
If the disciples needed proof about the Son of God rising from the dead, even though He spent His entire time with them telling them what was going to happen, then why does it shock me that people don't believe I'm sick, that sick, or that my faith is as strong as it is? And yet...
Brokenness Aside
I can't think of a better song to describe myself seven years ago today...
God I am so sorry. For the me I was, and for the me I still am. And God, i am so grateful You cared/care so much about me, just me, to make me beautiful. Thank you.
Brokenness Aside by All Sons And Daughters
Will your grace run out
If I let you down
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run
Chorus:
‘Cause I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
Verse 2:
Will you call me child
When I tell you lies
Cause all I know Is how to cry
Bridge:
You make it beautiful
You make it beautiful
God I am so sorry. For the me I was, and for the me I still am. And God, i am so grateful You cared/care so much about me, just me, to make me beautiful. Thank you.
Brokenness Aside by All Sons And Daughters
Will your grace run out
If I let you down
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run
Chorus:
‘Cause I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
Verse 2:
Will you call me child
When I tell you lies
Cause all I know Is how to cry
Bridge:
You make it beautiful
You make it beautiful
All Sons And Daughters
This is a beautiful worship album with a sweet, subtle singer-songwriter undertone. It takes you to another place. Especially if you are me on this fall Saturday night--well, or Sunday early morning--in the dark, in my room, in bed, eyes closed, headphones on so I can blast it into my being and not wake the parentals, all on my vinyl app that gives the music that classic crackle.
They really have beautiful harmonies together, and I feel like I'm not in my room, but at a soul-grabbing worship service lit only by candle light and God's Love. Please check out their Ep. Thank you! Happy Sunday! May the worship music transform you this morning!
They really have beautiful harmonies together, and I feel like I'm not in my room, but at a soul-grabbing worship service lit only by candle light and God's Love. Please check out their Ep. Thank you! Happy Sunday! May the worship music transform you this morning!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Passion Play
Passion Play by William Fitzsimmons
I should not have hid where my heart can't follow
'cause this grace gets so far and too hard to swallow.
I've been running from Saul, he's been giving chase;
when I look in his eyes, all I see is my face.
You're still on my back after all these years,
chasing me out of hell and my nice veneers.
I don't know how you stand when you've got no floor,
or how you can breathe with your hands on boards.
I just want to be not what I am today,
I just want to be better than my friends might say,
I just want a small part in your passion play.
Do you hear when I call in the midst of wrong?
Do you hear these here words while I sing this song?
Are you caught up in me like I heard you say,
or just some big cashier that I'll have to pay?
'Just want to be not what I am today,
I just want to be better than my friends might say,
I just want a small part in your passion play.
I should not have hid where my heart can't follow
'cause this grace gets so far and too hard to swallow.
I've been running from Saul, he's been giving chase;
when I look in his eyes, all I see is my face.
You're still on my back after all these years,
chasing me out of hell and my nice veneers.
I don't know how you stand when you've got no floor,
or how you can breathe with your hands on boards.
I just want to be not what I am today,
I just want to be better than my friends might say,
I just want a small part in your passion play.
Do you hear when I call in the midst of wrong?
Do you hear these here words while I sing this song?
Are you caught up in me like I heard you say,
or just some big cashier that I'll have to pay?
'Just want to be not what I am today,
I just want to be better than my friends might say,
I just want a small part in your passion play.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
The Soul And The Self: Do I Believe In Miracles?
Yesterday marked the seven year anniversary of when Stills Disease first onset October 22, 2004. Yesterday and mainly tonight my mind, heart, and soul have been wandering around in my past.
Seven years...my word. When did that happen?
I think about miracles a lot. About how I think there are a lot of people who are just waiting for God to heal me instead of just being here for me. Who question whether or not I believe in miracles, and trust me, I've been asked that question a number of times, and each time it hurts me that they would ask and it saddens me that they don't know the answer.
I often think about what would happen or what I would do first-or last-if I were suddenly healed. Suddenly healthy. To be honest, really honest, the thought scares me.
It's such a responsibility to be healthy. You have so many more choices to make, and with more choices comes more chances of choosing wrong.
Often my days consist of just thanking God I got out of bed, eating, and then trying to go back to bed. But when you could technically do anything with your time, my word! God have mercy on us as we try to choose what to do and what not to do! To choose God over ourselves...
When I first got sick I was so self centered I'm disgusted when I look back. I tried to convince myself I was an authentic Christian, but I learned I wasn't. It was and still is dehumanizing. I'm afraid of the next time I look back and am disgusted by the self I am right now...It will probably be in an hour.
So, being afraid of the decisions I made when I was healthy worries me when I think of having the responsibility to have to make those decisions again. I'm so afraid I will revert back to older me and choose self over God. That He will get the rest of me and not all of me. That I will no longer be aware with every quark of myself that I need Him all day every day. That I will become self-sufficient and forget I need Him.
Miracles.
C. S. Lewis says, "That God can and does, on occasions, modify the behavior of matter and produce what we call miracles, is part of Christian faith; but the very conception of a common, and therefore stable, world, demands that these occasions should be extremely rare." And his words help me breathe and sleep easier at night. (a gentle smile is inserted here)
So, where do we land for real? Do I want a miracle? Do I want to be healed of Stills Disease and everything else and be healthy again? Yes. And no...
You see, I learned something six and a half years ago. I learned that--are you sitting down? You are going to want to be sitting down because this is going to sound CRAZY--Stills Disease was and is my miracle.
The Soul And The Self
"In the life of every man there occurs at least one epoch, when the spirit seems to abandon, for a brief period, the body, and, elevating itself above mortal affairs just so far as to get a comprehensive and general view, makes thus an estimate of it's humanity, as accurate as is possible, under any circumstances, to that particular spirit. The soul here separates itself from its own idiosyncrasy, or individuality, and considers its own being, not as appertaining solely to itself, but as a portion of the universal Ens.1 All the important good resolutions which we keep--all startling, marked regenerations of character--are brought about at these crises of life. And thus it is our intense sense of self which debases, and which keeps us debased."
1. Entity or real thing
- Edgar Allen Poe,The Opal, 1845
Stills took away everything I ever wanted. But that showed me God had already given me everything I ever needed, and because of Stills I finally realized that, saw it, and appreciated it for the first time.
Stills debased me and...it keeps me debased. It makes me know everyday that I need God. That I need love. That I need community, even when I'm too tired and achy to create it, if not especially then! It made me see the whole picture and not just a mirror image of myself.
God, via Stills, saved me, from me. And that made me a much more authentic Christian, and not one "Whose love did read by rote that could not spell" or who was doting the moon her first 18 years instead of loving the Sun (William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet). That, my friends and family, is the greatest miracle of all. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.
May all of you be so fully aware of all the miracles you've already experienced it stuns you into awe of the Numinous. God Bless you always in the ways He knows are best. Love! Hugs!
- Zoe
Seven years...my word. When did that happen?
I think about miracles a lot. About how I think there are a lot of people who are just waiting for God to heal me instead of just being here for me. Who question whether or not I believe in miracles, and trust me, I've been asked that question a number of times, and each time it hurts me that they would ask and it saddens me that they don't know the answer.
I often think about what would happen or what I would do first-or last-if I were suddenly healed. Suddenly healthy. To be honest, really honest, the thought scares me.
It's such a responsibility to be healthy. You have so many more choices to make, and with more choices comes more chances of choosing wrong.
Often my days consist of just thanking God I got out of bed, eating, and then trying to go back to bed. But when you could technically do anything with your time, my word! God have mercy on us as we try to choose what to do and what not to do! To choose God over ourselves...
When I first got sick I was so self centered I'm disgusted when I look back. I tried to convince myself I was an authentic Christian, but I learned I wasn't. It was and still is dehumanizing. I'm afraid of the next time I look back and am disgusted by the self I am right now...It will probably be in an hour.
So, being afraid of the decisions I made when I was healthy worries me when I think of having the responsibility to have to make those decisions again. I'm so afraid I will revert back to older me and choose self over God. That He will get the rest of me and not all of me. That I will no longer be aware with every quark of myself that I need Him all day every day. That I will become self-sufficient and forget I need Him.
Miracles.
C. S. Lewis says, "That God can and does, on occasions, modify the behavior of matter and produce what we call miracles, is part of Christian faith; but the very conception of a common, and therefore stable, world, demands that these occasions should be extremely rare." And his words help me breathe and sleep easier at night. (a gentle smile is inserted here)
So, where do we land for real? Do I want a miracle? Do I want to be healed of Stills Disease and everything else and be healthy again? Yes. And no...
You see, I learned something six and a half years ago. I learned that--are you sitting down? You are going to want to be sitting down because this is going to sound CRAZY--Stills Disease was and is my miracle.
The Soul And The Self
"In the life of every man there occurs at least one epoch, when the spirit seems to abandon, for a brief period, the body, and, elevating itself above mortal affairs just so far as to get a comprehensive and general view, makes thus an estimate of it's humanity, as accurate as is possible, under any circumstances, to that particular spirit. The soul here separates itself from its own idiosyncrasy, or individuality, and considers its own being, not as appertaining solely to itself, but as a portion of the universal Ens.1 All the important good resolutions which we keep--all startling, marked regenerations of character--are brought about at these crises of life. And thus it is our intense sense of self which debases, and which keeps us debased."
1. Entity or real thing
- Edgar Allen Poe,The Opal, 1845
Stills took away everything I ever wanted. But that showed me God had already given me everything I ever needed, and because of Stills I finally realized that, saw it, and appreciated it for the first time.
Stills debased me and...it keeps me debased. It makes me know everyday that I need God. That I need love. That I need community, even when I'm too tired and achy to create it, if not especially then! It made me see the whole picture and not just a mirror image of myself.
God, via Stills, saved me, from me. And that made me a much more authentic Christian, and not one "Whose love did read by rote that could not spell" or who was doting the moon her first 18 years instead of loving the Sun (William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet). That, my friends and family, is the greatest miracle of all. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.
May all of you be so fully aware of all the miracles you've already experienced it stuns you into awe of the Numinous. God Bless you always in the ways He knows are best. Love! Hugs!
- Zoe
Monday, October 10, 2011
Jon Foreman Tweet: The Heart Of Man
Jon Foreman (@jonforeman)
10/9/11 4:36 PM
"Beauty is mysterious... God and the devil are fighting there, and the battlefield is the heart of man."
-Dostoyevsky
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